I still can’t really believe that your birthday is here again and you are not! You would have been turning 37 today but for the last 7 years each birthday comes without you here. Not being able to see Cash doesn’t help, and I wonder what things would have been like if you were still here and we were all able to celebrate this day together!

I can’t say time is making it any easier Kyle, but I think maybe I have more good days than bad now – learning to live in the new “normal” without you here, but it’s hard, really hard – I wish there was someway things could be different and you were still here with us. I love you so much – more than you probably could ever understand. That’s what Mothers do.

I drafted a book about my miserable journey about 18 months after you died and it sat on my computer untouched all this time. Recently a friend, David Infirri, died at just 41 and we photographed and videoed his funeral in the West Chapel at Pinnaroo( same as Kyle) and it even had the same officiant that we had for Kyle. I have been spending some time with his mother, Mary, as one mother to another to offer some comfort, support and understanding. I printed off the book and let her read it – she said it is really helping her so much. When I wrote it at first, it was more for me to let it out, but also to start thinking of how something good might come from this tragedy – to help someone else, and for your legacy to continue in some way. I thought about maybe one day publishing it or offering it to the Road Safety Council or Compassionate Friends, but I haven’t had the energy or strength to move forward with any of that yet. At least our story has been able to help one person. Each day is still a struggle for me and there is not a day goes by the you are not in my thoughts and heart my son.

I still can’t make any sense of why you aren’t here, why you couldn’t have just had your accident, healed and learnt a lesson – why did it have to be so final? 

It’s early morning, and your Birthday is here – one of the happiest days of my life – how bitter sweet it is now each year! I have been awake most of the night, my health has not been good, and after my accident in Bali a few years ago, my leg is  very problematic in my being able to visit you at the dog beach and even at the crash site, so today I will take some flowers to Pinnaroo from us and also from Aunty Jack and Nanna and Grandad. Christina will be taking the kids after school to Pinnaroo as well as as family.

Vince and I will be meeting Neena and Yee for lunch at the Woodvale Tavern to celebrate your Birthday (and Vince’s tomorrow) and whilst it wont be the same without you there in person, I know you will find a way to let me know you are near. I will do my best not to cry – I want it to be a celebration of your life and that we had you at all – you are my baby boy, my main-man, my Kyle-Stevie and always will be. I miss you so much. Happy 37th Birthday Kyle, Love Mum xxx.